of apparently 25-35 yr olds..


...except i totally have alot of these thoughts sometimes.

Quote :

- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
i nstinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.


-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

half that shit is american, but this was funny

-If (Where in the world is) Carmen San Diego and (Where's) Wally ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.

yeah it is, just some random crap i came across

here's some more shit

Quote :

1
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

5
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

6
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

7
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

9
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

10
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

13
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

14
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

16
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

17
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

18
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

19
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

20
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

21
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

22
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

23
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

24
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

25
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

26
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

27
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

28
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

29
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

30
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

31
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

32
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

33
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

34
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

35
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

36
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

37
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

38
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

39
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

40
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners