Ok, so your at the pub with your friends and after a round of jokes it's your turn, your the last person to tell a joke so you decide to pull out your best one to top all the others beforehand.

*Catch* You only get to say one joke and your joke needs to be work-safe and above the belt or Wounded might go and delete this thread : P

Ok I guess I'll start.

- Four fathers, all old friends decide after dinner to tell one another about how successful their sons are.
- The first father brags "My son is real rich and successful in real estate, just the other day he gave away a villa by the sea to a friend for free"
- The second father gloats "My son is rich from selling luxury cars from his dealership, the other day he just gave away two cars to a friend for free"
- The third father snickers "My son is very well off from the stock-market, the other day he just gave away 1million dollars in stock to a friend for free"
- The fourth father a little embarrassed says "Well unfortunately my son since he was 15 was a hairdresser and not always successful, and the other day I was told by him that he was gay...". The other fathers initially laugh at the fourth father then started to pity him.
- The fourth father continues however and starts to smile"Although he isn't very well off by himself, the other day however he received a villa by the sea, two luxury cars and 1million dollars in stock all for free from his apparent lovers, so in that sense he is quite well off from others"

Hope that's a good enough one for you lot, your turn.

Cheers.
Sent.

Q. how do you get a cat?

A. go to the pet store!!

pow pow

^^ Not to be confused with pussy Bucket.

A duck walks into a dentists and approaches the desk, the dentist looks down at the duck and asks "can I help you?" the duck replies "Do you have any grapes?". With a puzzled look on his face the doctor replies "Well no, we're a dentistry, not a grocery store." The duck shrugs and walks out.

The next day the duck returns to the dentist and approaches the desk again, asking the same question "Do you have any grapes?". The doctor scrunches his face in annoyance "No we dont have any grapes, I told you that yesterday!" The duck leaves once again.

The next day the duck returns to the dentist again and approaches the desk again, asking the same question "Do you have any grapes?". The doctor immediately gets angry at this and says "If you ask for grapes one more time I'll nail your webbed feet to the ground and use you as a punching bag!" So the duck hastily leaves.

The final day the duck returns to the dentist, the doctor is already fuming. The duck asks "Do you have any nails?" The doctor sighs and says " Well no duck we dont have nails and we never wi..." the duck cuts him off and replies..."got any grapes"

boomching!

like it dessi

des, yea not really a big finisher though!! this is one of my favs

3 guys walk into counselor, a smoke addict, a gay sex nymph, and an alcoholic and say there feeling sick!! the counsellor says your adiction is getting to your heads, so in saying that if you do 1 more of your addictions then you will die instantly!!

so the 3 guys leave, and on there walk home they where talking and the alcholic says he has nothing to live for so he aint going to stop wat he loves(drinking) and walks into a pub and skulls a schooner of beer the drops dead instantly, the other 2 walk on like nothing has happened and stop instantly, on the ground is a fresh lit cigerette, the gay sex nymph looks at the smoker and says, if you bend over to pick that up we are both fucked

POW POW

haha luv it!!!

LMFAO boots.. good joke.. but heres one for ya.. Not quite as funny but eh im trying lol

A women rushes home bursting through the door of her house and yelling to her husband, 'Pack your bacgs honey, I just won the lottery! All $ 10 million of it. Woooo hooo!'. 'That's great sweetie.' he replies, 'But should i pack for the beach or the mountains?'. 'Who care's?' She replies, 'Just piss off.'

:D

LOL kell.....this should confuse yas

Lol confused me for like 15 seconds checking teamspeak for wounded

haha kel thats pretty good

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure, A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '




BTW YES I CAN BRING UP A OLD THREAD

I usually play a game with my mates went we go to town to see who can pick-up someone with really bad pickup lines such: Do you want a drink or should i give you the $$$, Nice legs what time do they open and such pickup lines).
Is good fun if you can handle the slapping and no i havent pick anything up yet but its fun.
And bob you cunt i wish i could pickup pussy from the petstore, mind me i was in one last week and the attendant was pretty good looking so i might try my charms. Gigigity gigity gooo Im so in

Whats better than nailing a pie on the roof.



Screwing a tart on the floor

Two dyslexics walk into a bra

LMAO i got realy confused when they started talking cause no one was in ts

yeah i cannot help myself

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on the Melbourne XPT.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower one.

At 1:00 AM, the man reached down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm quite cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.

Dazza is driving over the Campbelltown Overpass one day when he sees his
Girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Dazza slams on the brakes and yells:

'Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?'

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

'G'day Dazza. You got me preggas, so now I'm gonna kill meself'.
Dazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

'Shazza',he says

'Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too'

And drives off.

um... one more ?
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more so soon?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."