Posts : 2081 Points : 8058 Join date : 2008-11-17 Age : 37 Location : Brisbane
Subject: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Sat Mar 13, 2010 4:15 am
1. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
2. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!
DaemonFTW Moderator
Posts : 1143 Points : 6798 Join date : 2008-10-07 Age : 38 Location : Two Headed Tasmania
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Sat Mar 13, 2010 10:15 am
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Sgtkiller Guest
Posts : 1609 Points : 7420 Join date : 2008-10-01 Age : 42 Location : Melbourne, Australia
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Sat Mar 13, 2010 11:23 am
3 blonds walk into a bar, they read the sign behind the bar "FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE" so they start playing with them selves. bar man asks them what r they doing, they replied we read ur sign, first cum, first serve
Lilboots Guest
Posts : 2081 Points : 8058 Join date : 2008-11-17 Age : 37 Location : Brisbane
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Sat Mar 13, 2010 12:42 pm
haha i like
QuAcKsFTW Clan Founder
Posts : 773 Points : 6285 Join date : 2008-10-01 Age : 44 Location : Melbourne, Australia
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Sun Mar 14, 2010 2:38 am
Just look in the mirror boots thats the biggest joke i reckon you will ever get.
Lilboots Guest
Posts : 2081 Points : 8058 Join date : 2008-11-17 Age : 37 Location : Brisbane
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Sun Mar 14, 2010 3:42 am
haha fuck you quacks, i knew something like that will come up.......
Charlie Senior FTW Member
Posts : 2074 Points : 8204 Join date : 2008-10-03 Age : 37 Location : Adelaide
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Sun Mar 14, 2010 5:09 am
1) A Wife asked her horny husband "what password should I use for my facebook account?" the husband suggested the password be "my penis". The wife laughs. The system sent an automated message back to the wife saying "not long enough"
2) What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them into a tyre and call it a good year.
3) A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron." "What about the other one?" "They called back."
4) A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.
Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?"
The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."
there ya go sunshine ox
Lilboots Guest
Posts : 2081 Points : 8058 Join date : 2008-11-17 Age : 37 Location : Brisbane
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Sun Mar 14, 2010 5:54 am
CharlieFTW wrote:
2) What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them into a tyre and call it a good year.
bahaha using that one, piss funny
your dog FTW Clan Member
Posts : 3060 Points : 9268 Join date : 2008-10-28
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Sun Mar 14, 2010 5:04 pm
haha was at a comedy night with friends, there were a lot of good ones but the only one i can remember is this:
Quote :
What do you call a Lesbian with long fingernails?
Single.
Whitedevil FTW Clan Member
Posts : 277 Points : 6086 Join date : 2009-01-18 Age : 40 Location : Sunny Darwin
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 1:15 am
Here some from the AJ email cycle I got!!
prepare to copy..
Talk about fuckin' Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder... I recently came back from a tour of duty. Having not seen m y Partner for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a fuckin' towel wrapped round her head so I shot her.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________- "some people do the craziest things...was in church the other day and this chick next 2 me lit up a cigerette!.. I nearly dropped my beer"!
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kids know far too much these days! Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls imitating the doggy position, I told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that." She replied, "I don't think so, he's doing her up the arse.".
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun. He shouts 'this is a raid, get on the floor!' and proceeds to empty the tills. As he runs to the door with the loot a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots him in the head and shouts 'did anyone else see my face?' He spots a man peering from behind the counter so shoots him too. 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts, waving his gun about. After a short silence a voice is heard from a far corner. . . 'I think my missus got a glimpse...'
white out
Lilboots Guest
Posts : 2081 Points : 8058 Join date : 2008-11-17 Age : 37 Location : Brisbane
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 1:18 am
bahahaha the last 2. gold
cheers
Dessicrater Senior FTW Member
Posts : 2783 Points : 8760 Join date : 2009-02-19 Age : 41 Location : Porto, Victoria
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 1:19 am
you didnt ever remember it! you just copy pasted it from somewhere! I havent got any new ones Im crap for remembering jokes.
DaemonFTW Moderator
Posts : 1143 Points : 6798 Join date : 2008-10-07 Age : 38 Location : Two Headed Tasmania
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 1:26 am
Just because you have a short attention span doesn't mean i...
Whitedevil FTW Clan Member
Posts : 277 Points : 6086 Join date : 2009-01-18 Age : 40 Location : Sunny Darwin
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 1:29 am
no worries
dessi the amount of porn jokes and pics i get from army crew, im not gonna remember all that shit lol.
Dessicrater Senior FTW Member
Posts : 2783 Points : 8760 Join date : 2009-02-19 Age : 41 Location : Porto, Victoria
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:03 am
I was directin it at your dog lol
Whitedevil FTW Clan Member
Posts : 277 Points : 6086 Join date : 2009-01-18 Age : 40 Location : Sunny Darwin
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:16 am
i knew that lol
DaemonFTW Moderator
Posts : 1143 Points : 6798 Join date : 2008-10-07 Age : 38 Location : Two Headed Tasmania
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:38 am
ROFL
Nice one Wounded
Dessicrater Senior FTW Member
Posts : 2783 Points : 8760 Join date : 2009-02-19 Age : 41 Location : Porto, Victoria
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 3:12 am
hahaha thats fuckin gold
Whitedevil FTW Clan Member
Posts : 277 Points : 6086 Join date : 2009-01-18 Age : 40 Location : Sunny Darwin
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 5:31 am
haha, nicely presented to Wounded.
jimbob Guest
Posts : 370 Points : 5830 Join date : 2010-02-04 Age : 32 Location : Melbourne
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 9:55 am
i got a laugh out of this one:
Quote :
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
and i laughed my ass off on this one:
Quote :
ABC's of ex girlfriends A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J stands for Jim (Oh yeah im screwing ur girl! hahahahahaha). This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
Lilboots Guest
Posts : 2081 Points : 8058 Join date : 2008-11-17 Age : 37 Location : Brisbane
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 10:09 am
OUCH wounded, cut me deep, WAAA
jimbob Guest
Posts : 370 Points : 5830 Join date : 2010-02-04 Age : 32 Location : Melbourne
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 10:13 am
how do i make it under a hide/show button? this one is big but funny as hell.
your dog FTW Clan Member
Posts : 3060 Points : 9268 Join date : 2008-10-28
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 10:18 am
go quote Wounded, and steal his codesss
like this:
dont forget to change the width if your button writing is long
Last edited by your dog on Mon Mar 15, 2010 10:20 am; edited 1 time in total
jimbob Guest
Posts : 370 Points : 5830 Join date : 2010-02-04 Age : 32 Location : Melbourne
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 10:19 am
101 Ways To Annoy People 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Last edited by =VTZ=-=JIMBOB= on Mon Mar 15, 2010 10:22 am; edited 1 time in total
your dog FTW Clan Member
Posts : 3060 Points : 9268 Join date : 2008-10-28
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 10:21 am
yeah, except, remove the part where it has all my writing, and quote tags. change the values also of what the button says; 1) for initial state, 2) for opened state, 3) for returned state. and then the content the button reveals of course.
EDIT: good work jim! =P
jimbob Guest
Posts : 370 Points : 5830 Join date : 2010-02-04 Age : 32 Location : Melbourne
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 10:22 am
YAY i feel accepted
your dog FTW Clan Member
Posts : 3060 Points : 9268 Join date : 2008-10-28
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 10:24 am
im surprised the content of the buttons has been so innocent til now, then again its only been wounded with the fetish for buttons - he's a pretty innocent guy yeh?
jimbob Guest
Posts : 370 Points : 5830 Join date : 2010-02-04 Age : 32 Location : Melbourne
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 15, 2010 10:28 am
yep.
*cough*
Guest Guest
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 1:26 am
shit lags.
DaemonFTW Moderator
Posts : 1143 Points : 6798 Join date : 2008-10-07 Age : 38 Location : Two Headed Tasmania
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 2:01 am
Only way to polish a turd is to freeze it first.
your dog FTW Clan Member
Posts : 3060 Points : 9268 Join date : 2008-10-28
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 5:12 am
scrolling text used to be all the rage
Charlie Senior FTW Member
Posts : 2074 Points : 8204 Join date : 2008-10-03 Age : 37 Location : Adelaide
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 5:36 am
Nice way to bomb the thread with your wow icons wounded. Now everyones totally off topic
Lilboots Guest
Posts : 2081 Points : 8058 Join date : 2008-11-17 Age : 37 Location : Brisbane
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 9:12 am
ninjas sometime eat soup
DaemonFTW Moderator
Posts : 1143 Points : 6798 Join date : 2008-10-07 Age : 38 Location : Two Headed Tasmania
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 10:40 am
LilbootsFTW wrote:
ninjas sometime eat soup
But you never see them actually do it...
Charlie Senior FTW Member
Posts : 2074 Points : 8204 Join date : 2008-10-03 Age : 37 Location : Adelaide
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 10:42 am
DaemonFTW wrote:
LilbootsFTW wrote:
ninjas sometime eat soup
But you never see them actually do it...
thats why there ninjas
DaemonFTW Moderator
Posts : 1143 Points : 6798 Join date : 2008-10-07 Age : 38 Location : Two Headed Tasmania
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 11:12 am
CharlieFTW wrote:
DaemonFTW wrote:
LilbootsFTW wrote:
ninjas sometime eat soup
But you never see them actually do it...
thats why there ninjas
Exactly
Lilboots Guest
Posts : 2081 Points : 8058 Join date : 2008-11-17 Age : 37 Location : Brisbane
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 11:13 am
DaemonFTW wrote:
CharlieFTW wrote:
DaemonFTW wrote:
LilbootsFTW wrote:
ninjas sometime eat soup
But you never see them actually do it...
thats why there ninjas
Exactly
have you seen american ninja, they can be as big fails as them\
but i agree, its only a myth
your dog FTW Clan Member
Posts : 3060 Points : 9268 Join date : 2008-10-28
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 11:20 am
LilbootsFTW wrote:
DaemonFTW wrote:
CharlieFTW wrote:
DaemonFTW wrote:
LilbootsFTW wrote:
ninjas sometime eat soup
But you never see them actually do it...
thats why they're ninjas
Exactly
have you seen american ninja, they can be as much of a failure as them
but i agree, its only a myth
Ninjas are fixing your grammar.
your dog FTW Clan Member
Posts : 3060 Points : 9268 Join date : 2008-10-28
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 12:09 pm
its okay boots, you weren't the only one whose grammar the ninjas fixed.
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 12:12 pm
Quoting tunnels always hurt my head... what happened to the jokes for christ's sake?
Enough punctuation in there for you, Doggy?
Lilboots Guest
Posts : 2081 Points : 8058 Join date : 2008-11-17 Age : 37 Location : Brisbane
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 12:23 pm
your dog wrote:
its okay boots, you weren't the only one whose grammar the ninjas fixed.
OMG, did you just refer yourself as a ninja, my god>>>>>>> Distgusting
once your a ninja you will be like this master..... i WOW at his skilz
bahaha i laugh everytime
your dog FTW Clan Member
Posts : 3060 Points : 9268 Join date : 2008-10-28
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 1:13 pm
i didnt say i was a ninja, just that THE ninjas also fixed someone elses grammar
it was Charlie
Lilboots Guest
Posts : 2081 Points : 8058 Join date : 2008-11-17 Age : 37 Location : Brisbane
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 1:17 pm
lol
sErBz Guest
Posts : 582 Points : 6542 Join date : 2008-10-05
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 1:43 pm
1. Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
2. A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
3. A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
4. The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
5. Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
6. A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
your dog FTW Clan Member
Posts : 3060 Points : 9268 Join date : 2008-10-28
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 2:19 pm
haha serbz, 2 and 6 are crackers
Gone_TroppoFTW Senior FTW Member
Posts : 525 Points : 6339 Join date : 2008-10-02
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Tue Mar 16, 2010 5:42 pm
A man walks into an empty bar slams a wad of cash on the counter and orders himself the most expensive bottles of spirits from the top shelf, The bar tender says 'geez you must be having a bad day its pretty early to be drinking so hard' to which the man responds 'yeah I just stopped home for lunch and found my wife in bed having sex with my best friend.'and the man proceedes to scull the first bottle.
The bartender then askes 'so what did you do?' and the man responds 'I told her she had 10 minutes to get her shit and get out I never want to see her again then I threw her out in the street, I told her if she ever came back I would shoot her stone cold dead' and the man starts drinking the second bottle.
The bartender having seen this many times before leaves the man to finish his second bottle, but before long curiosity gets the better of him and the bartender then askes the man 'so what did you say to your best friend man' to which the man replied 'you want to know what I said to him' as he cracks open the third bottle and sculls half of it .... 'I said to him ... you are a BAD DOG!'
DaemonFTW Moderator
Posts : 1143 Points : 6798 Join date : 2008-10-07 Age : 38 Location : Two Headed Tasmania
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:41 am
Love it troppo rofl
Mad Aussie Bastard FTW Clan Member
Posts : 234 Points : 5649 Join date : 2010-03-05 Age : 63 Location : New Town,Tasmania
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Mon Mar 22, 2010 10:30 am
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing, the cowboy offered. On a trip To the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you! St. Peter was impressed, When did this happen? A couple of minutes ago.
jimbob Guest
Posts : 370 Points : 5830 Join date : 2010-02-04 Age : 32 Location : Melbourne
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Thu Mar 25, 2010 9:37 am
Q. How do you stop a baby from drowning?
A. Get your foot off its head.
Mad Aussie Bastard FTW Clan Member
Posts : 234 Points : 5649 Join date : 2010-03-05 Age : 63 Location : New Town,Tasmania
Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best.. Thu Mar 25, 2010 10:29 am
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH"............................
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Dubbo."
The manager liked the
Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One!"
The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£ 124,237.64"
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!
What the hell did you sell him?"
Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........
'Well, since your weekend's fucked you might as well go fishing."
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Subject: Re: I need jokes for work, GIVE me your best..
Im crap for remembering jokes.
lol
